of turquoise and addicts

I have always dismissed the style of sporting large stoned rings as I find they catch on everything, scratch others in a heated game of Egyptian Rat Screw, and just all in all are too flashy for my taste. However, amidst years of spoon rings and silver designed pieces, I have also worked in small turquoise numbers because I simply cannot escape the marvel I feel toward the particular colour. This past year I have managed to lose the last two turquoise rings that I used to have and so began my search through Maine's seaside towns, the Old Port, and every boutique and consignment store around Massachusetts's North Shore for the perfect turquoise ring.
Not to worry, I found one. :)

Other recent adventures have included starting a new job as case manager/project head in Lynn working with high school dropouts, kids on probation, etc. It's been a taxing position to start up a program with my supervisor only in contact a couple days a week from New Hampshire and just all around trying to keep my head on straight while managing the beginnings of this program, answering to my boss south of Boston, and trying to reel in kids from barber shop hang outs, street corners, and the ones who have all but completely slipped through the cracks in the Lynn school system. It's the most exciting, terrifying, incredible job I could have dreamed of.

In addition, the hotel I bartend at was hosting a conference of over 900 members of Narcotic's Anonymous. THAT was an interesting crowd. Throughout Friday afternoon, I saw:
A woman who had been drunk since the previous night, distraught over having just said goodbye to her possibly-soon-to-be-deployed-for-a-sixth-time fiancé (he was summoned to report to his commander after failing to show up for routine drilling a few weeks ago, and they both presume the consequence will be that he is deployed…?).
The local drunk sexist old man that comes in routinely throughout the week to drink pinot grigio and hit on women 1/3 of his age.
A man proudly spouting that he's been clean and sober since 1998.
Kids my age with tattoos and piercings, proactively attending marathon meetings and support sessions.
Two guys playing pool, where one said to the other following a scratch, "Simon, stop shooting heroine and start shooting pool!"
Two women calmly sitting down to lunch with decaf tea, sweater sets and genuine pearls.
And everything inbetween.
the clientele seen when one works at a hotel bar is far from mundane. I see it all, hear all the stories, and meet all the people from every walk of life imaginable. Movie producers, jazz musicians, the desperate fiancés of brave soldiers. Drug addicts from every walk of life, mothers of daughters looking for college, ranchers from Colorado. Bankers, brewers, bakers and Baptists. Officers and gentlemen, football coaches, high strung pageant moms with their toddlers in tiaras, the aspiring romance novelist, and the Chicago chef who drinks Canada Dry.
As a sociologist, I love it. I thrive on these interactions. On the varying degree of class and the constant change of faces and the countless accents and languages, skin colors, ages- everything. It's beautiful.
And I hear it all, too.
I hear the stories that make people laugh so hard when they remember, they nearly fall off their barstools (with only one drink!). I hear the stories of old couple that have been perfected to a rhythmic, familiar telling after years of sharing the tale with friends, family, strangers. I hear the stories that make one person blush, another guffaw, and the teller's eyes light up with the thrill of the memory. I hear political opinions, childhood memories, snippets from international travel, the tell-tale tragedy of business deals tanked, games won, moves made, girls lost…what was her name? I'll have another, yes- thank you. You know, you have very pretty eyes… Oh! Thanks, hun. That'll be five fifty.
And I love it all.
And I am happy to hand over the glass of water, extra ice, two limes with my turquoise-ringed hand to the beautiful transvestite drug addict, call it a day, turn off the lights, and walk away from the bar sober and fulfilled.

of tombstones and desire

In the ears for this evening:
Bon Iver
Gregory Alan Isakov
Chris Bathgate

In the air:
The scent of a vanilla/patchouli candle
Fresh baked cornbread and steamed kale
The berry-acidic waftings from a glass of merlot

On the mind:
What shall become of us all? And What shall we leave behind?

Today I seized coffee in both hands from the adored café of choice and booked over to Gordon to spend a tremendously productive afternoon with my friend Jesse. He was nestled in on a couch with his political science work, today featuring a long article on the Catholic perspective of "the image of man" while I sat- beginning my blogging adventure for http://www.afaint.wordpress.com as the new primary blogger. My first blog assignment from the non-profit's founder was to write on this idea of why we should care- about each other, about the world, about (in this case-) East Africa specifically.
So posed to me was the question: why give a shit?

In the end, I determine that it all boils down to a bridge between the sociological perspective on humanity and the Christian perspective. Somewhere between the scientific & social evidence that we are definitely not whole creatures outside of relationship with each other and the Biblical idea that we are created to be stewards of each other and this earth is the reason and motivation to care for one another.

Ultimately, we all long to be longed for. We desire to be desired. We learn communication through communicating with others. Our futures are pushed, encouraged and guided by those who invest in our lives, and we become better, fuller people by investing ourselves into others in return. We inherently desire to be in relationship with one another and we suffer when we go without even the most basic of human interactions.


So in the end- what will become of us? Will we invest in the lives of others and better whatever community we end up in? Will we leave more behind than a simple tombstone in a yard lost with thousands of others or will we leave some greater impact on this world?

A friend of mine in Uganda passed away a few days ago from a tragic boda accident. He was bright, he was stubborn, and his faith was strong and admirable. We rode fifteen hours in a bumby, stinky, dust coated bus through the Ugandan countryside down to Rwanda. I will remember him for his humor, his style, his mind. His ability to make everyone laugh. I will remember Fahad Philip Kasozi for the time he selflessly and patiently invested in us as American guests in his home-country, in his school, in his life. He taught us, he learned from us, he lived with us and he loved us. I will remember that, and he will be more than one more grave in the red dirt of Africa.

What will we leave behind?

of crockpots and caviar

for MaryBeth... and our Ugandan connection.

As I sit in Atomic writing my FINAL COLLEGE PAPER ever, I am slowly and analytically taking in the very essence of my college experience.
This final paper is for my self-designed "thesis" of the Sociology of Food and I am at the point where I am reading through, editing, cropping, adjusting, highlighting, deleting, and tweaking all parts to make it a comprehensive, logical piece about... FOOD. I'm laughing to myself to see the connections and theories I've developed about such obscure ideas as "the social constructs of edibility" and the "frameworks of social identity within food culture". All that is to say: my paper covers everything from aphrodisiacs to appetite, crockpots to caviar, dining to disorders.
I can't help but see how much this paper is the cumulative exression of my college experience in the exploration of communal living, communal dining, the expression of self and group identity through even "minute" venues as fashionable diet choices to dinner table displays, the social pressures and consequences of dieting, cultural implications of dining and the study of diverse people groups, and on and on and on. In short: an introductory study to people, to community, to growth, to sex, to fashion, to diet, to group mentality, to self expression.
It all comes down to what can be cooked in a crockpot, and who can afford to eat caviar.

in the wings

I am officially rejoining the international travel realm again on March 12, 2012.
A great friend of mine that I went to Uganda/Rwanda with is setting off TOMORROW on an indefinite backpacking trip through South America. He's flying into Colombia, then venturing over to Peru and eventually Chile. I'll be flying into Chile on the morning of the 13th and meeting him in Santiago for another alli-and-sean-abroad adventure.

If anyone has any exciting Chilean tips or contacts- let me know! :)

.table for one.

There is a supreme beauty in dining alone.
If you're aware of yourself.

As an adolescent I distinctly recall refusing to enter my junior-high cafeteria alone. I had to be flocked by my friends, and should they break for the restroom mid-meal I would go with them, unable to sit abandoned at a table for even two minutes. I reasoned that in such event I would immediately be noticed by all other attendants in said cafeteria as the girl who eats alone or as the fat kid who eats even when she's alone. Illogical? Or culturally instilled in my brain?

What is it about our culture's concept of food that does not permit single-dining habits to be "normal"? Why is it so rare for a person to take themselves out for a fine meal…alone?
What is the paranoia that sits hand-in-hand with entering a restaurant in search of a table for one?
Why does it make us SO uncomfortable?
I reason this: perhaps it's jealousy…or intimidation…or in essence- fear.

To confidently enter a restaurant alone and enjoy a meal solo is to have a solid understanding of yourself. You must be unwavering before stares of curiosity, judgment, and pity.
You must be alright with knowing that some people are thinking you have been stood up.
You could not find a date.
You have no friends.
You are weird.
you are an other.

You must wear high, stylish boots, strut with your head held high, order a beer, and smile sweetly when the hostess asks hopefully, "Two tonight?" and you answer, "No, just one."

This kind of picture (: the girl dressed nicely, no visible major social short comings, enjoying her meal in the corner, unaccompanied) exudes a radiance of self assurance and pleasure in life. I believe this is something so far off target for the majority of people in our culture.
We use our relationship statuses as accessories to portray our hold of power, our social place, our inherent personal image in a crowd.
To dine alone is to use your own developed resources to paint your face with independence- to break the mold of social co-dependence as means of definition.
It is, in essence, to be undefined.
To be other.
And we fear the other.
And we admire the other.
Simultaneously.

To face the girl with the dinner alone is to see ourselves as wondering, "What would people think if I were eating alone? What would they think of me? How would I look to them?"
It is to challenge your own strength and, in refusal to be found wanting, decide that she is the weaker, that she is the other.
To see this is to be threatened by the challenge of independence, of self assurance.

Other socially deviant gestures may be a slap in the face what is "normal" but involve action on a belief outside of oneself. Wearing a t-shirt about abortion, boasting an opinion, for example- all marks your group orientation with a community holding a united opinion. But to eat alone in a crowd of groups is to stand defiant in yourself, to not NEED the social support systems to identify yourself. To be an unidentified character with such complexity behind you as to have risen above circumstances which usually exceed personal victory.
To delight in being set apart.
To enjoy and appreciate your own company.

To listen to your own heart, as The Alchemist said.
To hear the gentle voice that instructs you to sit still amidst social orders that try to improve your image, change this, believe in this…think what we tell you to think.


There is a supreme beauty and calm in obeying your heart's desire to accept yourself, love your own strength, and enjoy an occasional table for one.

Swedish Tea Sets

remembered from January...


“…Sweden is incredible. All is white and old, European looking and stylish. It’s maddeningly spectacular…”
Beatrice took me, our second night in Sweden together, to the family home of her dear friend Carl Hugo. Carl Hugo had just returned home from a stay in the emergency room due to a sudden heart attack which had sprung forth of his chest during a spritely game of squash. His parents thus invited some of his friends over for a heartfelt gathering of condolences and support immediately post New Years, post-hospital release. Among the attendants was myself, and Bea, her friend who is a dentist, a marvelously beautiful blonde Swedish woman and her adoring African boyfriend- Inya.
It was Inya who captivated my attention.
I can still play the scene back in my mind step by step- I was smiling politely through the rather dull conversation which, naturally- as it was primarily among rather conservative friends excluded me- was occurring on the couches of Carl Hugo’s posh living room. The doorbell set forth such a magnificent motion of events. In came Inya and the Lady- elegant, unknowingly gorgeous, and they seated themselves across the carpet from my perch.
Inya was black.
In a wintered country of white snow, white skin, white hair- it was a thrill to my heart to see a Nigerian within my scope of vision. It was a mere few seconds until we established our African connection and then we both were lost in the merriment of our own conversation.
Carl Hugo’s mother provided white linens on the dining table, delicate china, typical Swedish holiday desserts and the most robust coffee for her guests as we sat discussing miracles, the establishment of Dutch churches and dentistry.
Throughout the entirety of th evening- my eyes kept darting the smoothly polished upright piano in the corner. At this point, I had not been able to touch a piano in months, and now here one stood, keys exposed, and the only thing between the keys and my desperate fingers was a rather formal tea party of Swedes.
By the end of tea-time, I had shamelessly offered that I had played piano for years and “My! What a lovely piano you have!” to such welcomed demographic that I was asked- nay, begged to grace the company with my notes.
I sat shaking with overwhelming happiness on the bench and delicately, timidly, danced my fingers through a melodic step through the key of D, nearly bringing myself to tears.
My heart has never felt so at home- so rescued. So clearly elevated above its abyss of deprivation, I could feel it rising in my chest with each treble trill. Then, beauty of all beauties- my eyes fell to the hymn book propped on the piano and I cracked it to Silent Night and let the haunting melody drip from page to resounding chords as Inya quietly, worshipfully sang along behind me. I heard the gratitude in his voice recognizing the unanticipated holiness of the moment and I only pray he felt my consumed, wrecked companionship seeping from my heart to the notes in that silent night, that holy night.

10.07.2011 atomic.

There’s a woman sitting outside the window, crying. Her lips are shaking, her shoulders and convulsing and her bottom lip seems to be quivering three times faster than her speech appears to be coming out. Behind her oversized aviator sunglasses I imagine her eyes are overflowing with whatever sadness she has brought to the glimmering silver café table she sits at with her friends. The one woman with a low cut tank top contradicts her choice of shirt with a home-knit scarf and a white man with pointedly tattered clothing is also donning a Muslim-like head scarf. Furthermore boggling than the attire of this strange company is the very obvious fact that only a small pane of glass separates my world from theirs. It is only this window between my quiet afternoon of motivated work on my thesis over an oversized mug of apple cider and their moment of smoking, wild hand gestures, and spilling emotion on the sidewalk. The glass allows sunshine to pass through, allows gazes to penetrate- but conversation and understanding are unable to pass.